The end of our IVF journey.

Today is a sad day in the Craig house. Today we lay to rest our hopes and dreams of conceiving a little one of our own.

About a week and a half ago, Joel and I traveled over to Indy to have our 4 little frozen blastocysts (32 celled embryos), transferred. The biologists said that 3 of the 4 looked great and that all their cells had survived the thawing process. We were ecstatic as we had been praying for their survival in the thawing process. The biologists were also very concerned about putting in all 4 as well. The word "Octo-Mom" was used several times during the conversation. But after discussion with our Dr., Joel and I agreed that we were lucky if one latched on, and anything else was a bonus in our minds.

Today I went for my first Beta (pregnancy test via blood), and the results were negative. This concludes the end of our 4th IVF attempt. All of our beautiful little blasts have gone to heaven to be with all of there other brothers and sisters. We miss them all terribly. All we have now are pictures of every little embryo ever created and transferred in me. There are 13 total. One of which we lost last September after nine weeks of pregnancy. The genetic testing confirmed that she was a girl. We miss her everyday and are constantly aware that she would have been due early this May. Our hearts are breaking. The pain is so strong, and so real and part of me wonders if we will ever fully heal from these losses.

After many tears, discussion, and prayer, we have decided to end our pursuit of children via IVF. Logically it seems like a good stopping point as we have no more frozen embryos for transfer. Emotionally we're exhausted, defeated, and ready to been done with this particular journey. So not only are we mourning our babes, but we're mourning the hopes of having biological children at this time. There is no doubt in my mind, that God may continue to bless us with a biological child someday. He's performed greater miracles than that. But right now is not His timing, and I except that. I am also fully confident that God not only can, but will bless our home with children someday.

My prayers have been constant. That God will use this time with out children to make me a better wife to Joel, a better babysitter to Elly and Conner, a better sister to Kim and Kari, a better friend, a better sponsor to my freshman girls, and most importantly a better follower of Him. I'm grateful for the peace he's given us thus far, and I pray that he continues to bless us with his peace during this difficult time.

I also pray that God would ordain our steps these next several weeks as we begin discussions about the possibility of adoption for our family.

Thank you so much for all your love, support, and most of all prayers. We are thankful every day for you!!

Love Kristie

Sad news

Well the long awaited news is in. We are no longer pregnant. I took my first test last Tuesday which was positive. My hcg (pregnancy) hormone was 68.2 which confirmed a pregnancy. Both Joel and I were kind of blah about the news, knowing that we had a long way to go before we allowed ourselves to be ecstatic. Then on Thursday we had gotten some bad news. My hcg hormone had dropped indicating a misscarriage. The doctor wanted me to repeat the test today to make sure. And today's news confirmed what we had feared last Thursday. Miscarriage. They call it a "Chemical Pregnancy" which means a pregnancy that ends in miscarriage before an ultrasound.

Obviously we're pretty bummed, confused, and definitely tired. We meet with our fertility doctor after the New Year to talk about what happened and what's next. At this point we're just trying to get through the Holidays and enjoy them as much as we can. We can't even begin to think about what's next and don't plan to until next year.

We continue to thank you for all of your prayers. They're what keep us going during these difficult times. God has been very good to us by blessing us with all of our friends and family who have been more than supportive.

Wishing everyone a Wonderful Christmas and an amazing New Year.

Looking forward to 2009!!
Joel and Kristie

Hurry up and wait!!

Well, we are back home from our "vacation" to Indy. It was great to spend some time with family and be reminded of why we desire our own so desperately.

Everything went really well and now we are in the waiting game again. Kristie and I have decided, with obvious reasons, that we are going to keep things on the down low until we are confident in what we can share. Know that we covet your prayers for the next several weeks and you may not here from us for awhile regarding any results. Know that the old saying holds true for this as well... "no news, is good news".

Please continue to pray for our patience and our anxieties. That the medicines would help in the process more than they hurt in the immediacy. That God continues the "knitting together" of what we hope to be our family.

Loving, trusting, praying, and on edge....The Craig's

Tomorrow's the big day

Everything up to this point has gone just fine. Scheduling has been a bit different as they weren't sure when our implantation procedure would be, but we found out this morning that it is happening tomorrow morning at 10, which is 9 Illinois time. There was a possibility that it wouldn't be until Saturday, but the doctors have determined that we would have better chances with making it happen in the morning. We are not sure what that means, and that is always the frustrating part, but again rest in God's timing and not our's or the doctor's.

We continue to be stressed out. Pray for the procedure, our anxiety, and the growth of the potential baby or babies. Once again, we need them to have Kristie's strength to grab on and Joel's stubbornness to not let go. It is also suppose to be quite a day tomorrow weather wise too which always makes the drive interesting. Love you all.

Here we go again

It has been a couple of months since our last blog as we have continued to mourn and reflect and seek wise counsel and what we are realizing is that the feelings don't ever go away, they just become a little muted in their reality. Reading through our previous posts is difficult for us to do, and yet there is a comfort that comes from knowing the prayers of many saints are being lifted up with regards to us and our journey.

So where are we at??? We are headed tomorrow morning over to Indy for our 3rd IVF of the year. Timing is different, emotions are different; all due to what we have learned from the procedures that we have been through in hopes that the results will be the beginnings of our family. Again we continue to rest in God's will and timing on this rather than our own and pray that they would both coincide with one another.

We have been fervently praying about the process and how to share our upcoming events with you all. While we vitally depend on your prayer support, we probably won't be going into quite the depth that we have previously. We head into this procedure again on edge, very cautious about everything, and knowing there will be certain things that we share and times when we simply will ask you to pray for us.

Prayer concerns as of now...1) Travel to and from 2) Reactions to medications 3) Patience and understanding through the twists that we know we will encounter and 4) God would see fit for our family to begin sooner rather than later.

Love in Christ, Joel (that's right, it's the hubby)

Our worst fears realized...

Well, there just isn't words, or feelings that can explain the reality that we face today. This comes after a very shaky week of sonograms and worry that ended this morning with no heartbeat, regressed development, and surgery lined up for tomorrow morning to take care of the rest.

It is incredibly hard to write about and even more so to discuss as we shared it with our family throughout the day. We had gone in for an "update" on Friday and knew the the prospects did not look good. Again, Praise the Lord for doctors and nurses that seek out the wisdom of our heavenly Father throughout their lives as devastating news like this is heard under His direction seems somewhat easier to take. The heart rate then had slowed significantly and the little one hadn't grown, so we knew going into today that the percentages were...not good. Actually, I don't even know that there were any percentages to be had except for the Great Healer/Developer to step in yet again. And yet our God does give us continued hope when the world would say otherwise. However, we now know that this was not in His plan for this pregnancy to continue.

I guess the thing that we wrestle with is the "Why?" "Why" has this not been possible for us? "Why" would He bring us to this point, and then take it away? What we realize is that at this point in our lives, we just don't know, and probably won't for a while. How many times do we reflect on the things that we have been through long ago and see exactly how God was orchestrating it? How many times have our worst fears realized, turned out to be the ultimate way that God could receive His Glory? And so, we pray for healing for our hearts as the ache is literally unbearable. Our emotions are shot and we anticipate tomorrow being harder. We continue to pray for patience as it seems like this has been the most dangerous thing for us to pray for. We pray that God would "turn our mourning into dancing" sooner rather than later. And we pray as always that God's will would continue to be done in our lives as well as the lives of those of you journeying with us.

Painfully sick with grief, but clinging to His Words.

the non-blogger using the blog as a coping mechanism

Baby in need of a miracle.

Well the past couple of days have been pretty wild. We had a follow up ultrasound on Monday. The little heart was beating away at 114bpm. Not as high as it should but not horrible either. The concern however came with the measurement of the baby. Last week I was 7weeks1day and measuring at 6weeks3days. This Monday I was 8weeks1day and measuring at 6weeks5days. This means that the baby is not growing much. The doctor told us just to keep praying and wait and see if the baby grew some more. I ended up going back in this morning for an ultrasound and the baby had not grown at all between Monday and today. Not only that, but they mentioned that I had an enlarged yolk sac. For those of you who don't know, cause I didn't.... The yolk sac is the big round bouncy ball looking thing in our ultrasound picture. From what limited information I've been able to gather I've found that an enlarged yolk sac is due to chromosomal abnormalities and will usually result in a miscarriage.

Needless to say we're pretty freaked out. The combination of a slow heartbeat, non-growing baby, and large yolk sac, all together is a pretty bad prognosis for the health and well being of this baby. These past few weeks have definitely been one large roller-coaster. And we're very tired of the up and down emotions we've been feeling. Really the only hope we have for the well being of this baby lies in the hands of our God. And I can't imagine any better pair of hands to hold this little one through this time. We are just praying for a miracle for this little baby. Knowing full well that God can do ALL things. Please also pray for Joel and I as we go through yet another waiting period.

A fabulous lady posted this verse on our blog site. I've found myself very challenged by it lately.

Romans 4:20-21
Yet he (Abraham) did not waver in unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being FULLY PERSUADED that God had the power to do what he had promised.

Thank you God for such an amazing example of faith! We praise You for all of Your miracles and Your ability to heal the hearts of those who suffer loss!

Thanks to all of you for your prayers. They continue to see us through these crazy times!

Love,
Kristie, Joel, and little baby